An April Fool’s Outlook on Sports

This column will be printed in the April 4, 2007 issue of The Racquet.
In honor of our nation’s best holiday, I thought it would be fun to do a Wisconsin sports outlook for 2007.

While Michael Redd continues to sit out with “left knee pain,” “a stuffy nose” and “mild boredom,” the Milwaukee Bucks will ride the likes of Damir Markota, Brian Skinner, Lynn Greer and Ersan Ilyasova to complete their impressive lottery pick tank. Upon finishing with the league’s worst record, the Bucks will be hit by bad karma in the lottery and obtain just the seventh pick in the draft. They will use that pick to draft Joakim Noah out of the University of Florida, who will admit on draft night that he has no clue where Milwaukee is located. Noah will go on to have a disappointing career, and upon his retirement will still be most known for his “funky gator” dance in March of 2007.

Meanwhile Ohio State star Greg Oden, upon being selected first overall by the Memphis Grizzlies, is heard saying, “I’m so happy I might smile,” and, later, “I haven’t been this proud since the birth of my granddaughter.” Memphis fans love Oden, who climbs to stardom by playing with comparable fire, tenacity and intensity to Tim Duncan.

The long-rumored deal will finally come to fruition as the Green Bay Packers complete a trade for Randy Moss. Moss will break single-season records for receiving yardage and touchdowns, but will remain unhappy. “I am very disappointed with my role in the offense this season,” Moss says. “When they traded for me, they promised I would be used more as a decoy and a blocker downfield than a big-play receiver.”

Elsewhere in the NFL, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis is forced to step down after a reporter overhears him during a game exclaiming, “Doesn’t he know to always box out the shooter on a 3-2 count?!”

Finally, the Milwaukee Brewers will continue the streak of great baseball teams in Milwaukee every 25 years (’57 Braves, ‘82 Brewers, ’07 Brewers) by taking the National League by storm and winning the pennant. Ben Sheets will win the Cy Young, Bill Hall will win MVP and Ned Yost will win Manager of the Year. After sweeping the New York Yankees in the World Series, Brewers general manager Doug Melvin proclaims, “I’m going to Disneyland Canada!” Melvin hastily retires and handpicks his replacement, Steve Altstadt. “We love what the kid did with the Brewers on MVP Baseball ’05 for Playstation 2,” says Melvin. Altstadt takes over the reigns, and the Brewers promptly begin their next 25-year playoff drought in 2008.


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